Both examples reveal the same thing, which the article doesn't name.
In the first case, the feedback landed because she trusted the giver. In the second, it landed despite the giver's intentions being hostile. What made the difference in both cases wasn't the timing or the directness. It was what she did with it inside her own head.
Feedback isn't a transmission. It is an interpretation event. The same words, from two different senders, in two different moments, produce entirely different meaning. The giver controls very little of that.
Which suggests the timing and directness questions, useful as they are, come second. What comes first is whether the receiver is in a position to make useful meaning from what they hear. Defensiveness, distrust, the wrong moment, the wrong relationship, any of these can turn honest feedback into noise.
The leaders who get this right are not the ones who have found the perfect formula for delivering feedback. They are the ones who have built the conditions in which the other person can actually receive it.
Excellent insight! I think perhaps it has to do with (a) being curious about oneself (always a work in progress) and (b) remaining curious too about other people and their perceptions. I'm not sure there is a 'perfect formula' for feedback, but I am sure you are right: that it takes two.
As ever , a truly valuable piece from Margaret Heffernan telling it like it is . I quite agree that the power of feedback is under recognised and often underused or used poorly . In my view , references, appraisals or performance reviews should not provide news , rather they should provide an opportunity to reinforce what has been shared and learned along the way . And who knew the tulip’s name derives
I agree, I a working now with my 25 year old son, so as you can imagine feedback is an important and also fraught part of our daily lives as we co-wrote a book together, just sent off thank god.
Also, I am Yorkshire and fairly blunt, which luckily he also knows already. But I told him early on, feedback is treasure, and the big problem is getting negative or constructive criticism out of people, because people are too nice or gutlessness, so you can end up making the same mistakes and no-one tells you. I think part of the problem is not enough constructive and negative feedback. I haven't worked in a big organisation for years tho, so don't know about feedback against stupid metrics and perverse incentives and mistaking people for machines etc.
And I also talk to him about how to take negative feedback or criticism, which someone great said - always ask first 'are they right? Under what circumstances might they be right'. Because if they think it others may think it and you have to decide what to do either way and it's better to know than not. I have to be good at taking it too, but tbh it's sometimes gutting, but I don't mind. Let's see how resilient I am if our book ever gets published and we are trashed!
My lovely coach Nick Robinson told us about coach's favourite approach, 'the sht sandwich'. Sandwiching the critical bit, with the nice positive stuff. One time recently I had given what I thought was fair but candid feedback to my son who went bonkers - "What the fk is this, the sht sandwich with no bread?"
I hate the sht sandwich personally, because you can see it a mile off and it devalues the good bit because you think, even if it isn't, that it's just fluff until they get round to what they really think.
lol no need to be embarrassed. We are mixing metaphors intentionally so let’s just focus on the fun. I am craving an egg sandwich for breakfast now though:)
How I wish we could simply kill annual performance reviews... a pointless and time consuming exercise that often occurs after salary and other discussions have taken place. It's really not a good use of anyone's time although I admit that I take some pleasure in bullsh*ting my way through it if I am in a mood for it... then I get the feedback it's too long. One simply cannot win!
In terms of feedback I like Kim Scott's radical candor model. The timeliness element is key but also caring about the person you are giving it to AND being specific and direct so that it s useful and actionable. Too often feedback is used as a weapon rather than a tool for learning.
And we forget that giving positive feedback is equally important. In fact, when I'm having an off day I often spend time giving people positive feedback about whatever I can think of (still specific and timely-ish) that usually cheers me up nicely.
Like so many things, we could always do better - and I like to remind myself that feedback is a gift... that can be returned. Some feedback is just stupid "you're too positive, it's annoying". I hear you... but I'm not going to do anything about that! Please do avoid me instead ;)
“resolved not to say a word, unless someone else had not be heard”: I did the same. It irked the hell out of my boss that I no longer provided the fodder to make his mandatory weekly status meetings somewhat more useful. He got the last laugh, however, zinging me in my next performance review, right before himself being forced into retirement. 🎶 I survived but I paid for it 🎶
Both examples reveal the same thing, which the article doesn't name.
In the first case, the feedback landed because she trusted the giver. In the second, it landed despite the giver's intentions being hostile. What made the difference in both cases wasn't the timing or the directness. It was what she did with it inside her own head.
Feedback isn't a transmission. It is an interpretation event. The same words, from two different senders, in two different moments, produce entirely different meaning. The giver controls very little of that.
Which suggests the timing and directness questions, useful as they are, come second. What comes first is whether the receiver is in a position to make useful meaning from what they hear. Defensiveness, distrust, the wrong moment, the wrong relationship, any of these can turn honest feedback into noise.
The leaders who get this right are not the ones who have found the perfect formula for delivering feedback. They are the ones who have built the conditions in which the other person can actually receive it.
Excellent insight! I think perhaps it has to do with (a) being curious about oneself (always a work in progress) and (b) remaining curious too about other people and their perceptions. I'm not sure there is a 'perfect formula' for feedback, but I am sure you are right: that it takes two.
It is true that I used to treat the annual review as a documentation process because I knew reviews are legal documents.
As ever , a truly valuable piece from Margaret Heffernan telling it like it is . I quite agree that the power of feedback is under recognised and often underused or used poorly . In my view , references, appraisals or performance reviews should not provide news , rather they should provide an opportunity to reinforce what has been shared and learned along the way . And who knew the tulip’s name derives
from turban …we do now ! Thank you.
I agree, I a working now with my 25 year old son, so as you can imagine feedback is an important and also fraught part of our daily lives as we co-wrote a book together, just sent off thank god.
Also, I am Yorkshire and fairly blunt, which luckily he also knows already. But I told him early on, feedback is treasure, and the big problem is getting negative or constructive criticism out of people, because people are too nice or gutlessness, so you can end up making the same mistakes and no-one tells you. I think part of the problem is not enough constructive and negative feedback. I haven't worked in a big organisation for years tho, so don't know about feedback against stupid metrics and perverse incentives and mistaking people for machines etc.
And I also talk to him about how to take negative feedback or criticism, which someone great said - always ask first 'are they right? Under what circumstances might they be right'. Because if they think it others may think it and you have to decide what to do either way and it's better to know than not. I have to be good at taking it too, but tbh it's sometimes gutting, but I don't mind. Let's see how resilient I am if our book ever gets published and we are trashed!
My lovely coach Nick Robinson told us about coach's favourite approach, 'the sht sandwich'. Sandwiching the critical bit, with the nice positive stuff. One time recently I had given what I thought was fair but candid feedback to my son who went bonkers - "What the fk is this, the sht sandwich with no bread?"
I hate the sht sandwich personally, because you can see it a mile off and it devalues the good bit because you think, even if it isn't, that it's just fluff until they get round to what they really think.
The shit sandwich is a classic. I have no patience for the bread either. I prefer the open face sandwich. Lead with the hard and then soften.
Nice, I'll go with that in future. Nordic style superior as always!
My dad was German so I am not sure the Nordics alone can claim the open face sandwich:)
Haha, that's embarrassing, sorry didn't know that!!!
lol no need to be embarrassed. We are mixing metaphors intentionally so let’s just focus on the fun. I am craving an egg sandwich for breakfast now though:)
How I wish we could simply kill annual performance reviews... a pointless and time consuming exercise that often occurs after salary and other discussions have taken place. It's really not a good use of anyone's time although I admit that I take some pleasure in bullsh*ting my way through it if I am in a mood for it... then I get the feedback it's too long. One simply cannot win!
In terms of feedback I like Kim Scott's radical candor model. The timeliness element is key but also caring about the person you are giving it to AND being specific and direct so that it s useful and actionable. Too often feedback is used as a weapon rather than a tool for learning.
And we forget that giving positive feedback is equally important. In fact, when I'm having an off day I often spend time giving people positive feedback about whatever I can think of (still specific and timely-ish) that usually cheers me up nicely.
Like so many things, we could always do better - and I like to remind myself that feedback is a gift... that can be returned. Some feedback is just stupid "you're too positive, it's annoying". I hear you... but I'm not going to do anything about that! Please do avoid me instead ;)
“resolved not to say a word, unless someone else had not be heard”: I did the same. It irked the hell out of my boss that I no longer provided the fodder to make his mandatory weekly status meetings somewhat more useful. He got the last laugh, however, zinging me in my next performance review, right before himself being forced into retirement. 🎶 I survived but I paid for it 🎶